I was thinking in the shower this morning about birth, which is pretty normal these days. I was thinking about how I’m obsessed about the subject lately. I’m reading the book Birth by Tina Cassidy and I’m reading tons of blogs and Facebook pages all about birth and childrearing. Anyway, I’m especially obsessed with vaginal births. So I was thinking about this and wondering why I’m so obsessed with it all and one reason came to mind. I’m obsessed because as a women/mother I feel incomplete in this area. I went through labor but I didn’t go through the birth (read our birth story) and this makes me feel incomplete as a woman/mother. Sometimes I look at Trey and wonder how he got here and if he’s really ours. Sometimes I feel like we adopted him because I labored, went to sleep and when I woke up there was a baby. I feel very disconnected from the whole birth part. I know that his birth was supposed to be the way it was but it still leaves me feeling like I’m missing a part of who I am. I didn’t see or feel him leave my body; I didn’t even see him for about an hour after he was born. I didn’t “give birth”. I don’t feel complete in this area of my life.
The more I read the more I’m convinced that birth isn’t as simple as we tend to make it. God designed birth to be this wonderful dance between a mother and baby that affects us as women more than we give it credit. Having a vaginal birth is critical for us as women. It affects so many things, recovery time, bonding with baby, breastfeeding, emotional well being, future pregnancies/children, trust in themselves and others.
I’m not saying that women that can’t or don’t have babies are not complete. I’m saying that I’m not complete because of the way Trey was born. And it makes me wonder how many other women out there are feeling the same way.
All I know for sure is that I want desperately to birth my next babies vaginally. I want to feel and know that the baby came from me and to “be there” when they are born. I want to go through this rite of passage. I NEED to go through this rite of passage. Maybe I’ll finally feel more complete as a mother, we’ll see.